Humor: The future
December 10th, 2009 | 
Author: ROBO-RAT SNIFFS OUT THE FUTURE
In case you missed it, researchers have hot-wired the brain and whiskers of a rat to produce a remote-controlled cyber rodent. Robo-Rat has artificially implanted right and left whisker twangers and an electrical chime hung on the wall of his brain pleasure center. Give him a jolt there and he just feels really good about himself. Satisfied. The feeling that comes from a job well done, a good meal, a successful maze run.
Here’s how it works. Twang a whisker, and when Robo starts moving in that direction the F1 key delivers instant gratification. After a training session of eight hours he can be induced to turn right, turn left, and- contrary to all his former evolutionary beliefs and assumptions- wander around an open, well-lit room. Strapped to his back is a battery, a microchip, a receiver, and a digital camera- just in case he wanders into a room full of naked anything and wants to share and profit from that experience on the internet.
It’s a phenomenal breakthrough for science, and a serious blow to the cheese industry. In the past, scientists had to physically bend over the maze with a cheese ball in one hand and a poised and cocked finger in the other, and manually train the subject. It was difficult work. It required mind-numbing concentration and produced a ton of bruised fingernails. The cost of cheese and work-related back injury claims were excessive, and nobody really felt good about giving the rat the finger anyway. A method of positive reinforcement was long overdue.
The implications of this major scientific break-through are enormous. Most of us immediately think of how this development will be practically applied by the largest sector of the modern military-industrial complex, the fast-food franchise. Just jack yourself in to the cyber drive-through window and you’ll be able to experience that “Gee, I just had the satisfaction of eating a triple bacon cheeseburger and a sack of fries” feeling without cholesterol, guilt, wrapper debris, or citations for operating a moving vehicle while eating garbage. It’s a boon to humankind and an environment saver at the very least.
Humans without implanted guidance systems have been wandering around in well-lit rooms long enough to have discovered cubicles and global positioning satellites. Combined with direction-twangers and satisfaction buzzers, the future is indeed bright. No more cranky employees. No more men who are afraid to ask for directions. No good turn will finally, after millenia, go unrewarded. Traffic in the human maze will run smoothly and generate a constant hum of soothing satisfaction. We’re standing on the threshold of a brilliant, brave new world.
There is, of course, the question of who our keyboard operators are going to be.
There is, of course, that question…
Hmmm…
What the heck, let’s just let the government handle that.
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